woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
