I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
