dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
