I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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