sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
