I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This is my gift to your gina
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
