Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
