Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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