Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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