She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
