I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
