so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
