Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
