I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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