omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
