if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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