i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
