Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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