I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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