she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
