Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
