sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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