He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
