Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
