so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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