How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
