My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
