I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
