i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
