they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
