Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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