Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
try to milk me bitch
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