Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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