you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
