he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
