if i can run in heels then i can drive
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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