You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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