the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
