I'm really into asian looking animals
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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