Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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