we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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