Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
