I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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