Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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