I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
