You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
