I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
