I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
