There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
