She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
